TROUTMAN'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES
1. If the test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent runs will fail.
2. The most harmful error of any program will not be discovered until the program has been in production for at least six months.
3. A Batch Stream that can not be arranged in improper order will be.
4. Constants aren't.
5. Variables won't.
6. Interchangeable Tapes don't.
7. Profanity is the one language that all programmers know the syntax of.

GILB'S LAWS OF UNRELIABILITY
1. Computers are unreliable. Humans are worse.
2. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
3. Undetectable error are infinite in variety. Detectable errors do not exist, unless deadline is less than three hours away.
4. Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some real work done.

BROOK'S LAW
Any manpower added to a late project makes it later.

LUBARSKY'S LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY
There is always one more bug.

SHAW'S PRINCIPLE
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

IBM POLLYANNA PRINCIPLE
Machines should work. People should think.

GRAY'S LAW OF PROGRAMMING
"n+1" trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as "n" trivial tasks.

WEINBERG'S SECOND LAW
If builders built buildings the way that programmers program programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

BOVE'S THEOREM
The remaining work required in order to finish a project increases as the deadline approaches.

BROOK'S LAW
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

THOMAS WATSON'S LAW
No matter how large and standardized the marketplace, IBM can re-define it.
 

Q: Why do they call it hyper text?
A: Too much JAVA.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: None - Bill Gates just declares darkness the new standard!

Q: How many AOL employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they don't have enough hardware yet to handle the lightbulbs needed.

Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, that's a hardware problem!

Q: What does a pig use to store data on a computer?
A: A sloppy disk.

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.

Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes on in the overnight job.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up.  Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found  out his girlfriend had left him.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase.

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but doubt that it will ever be implemented.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't  programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it  idiot-proof.

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a backup tape.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching backup files is a major hassle, so if there is a  request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release  version.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack  senseless features onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.

Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let  anyone put you down.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail.

Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a question. Abort, Retry, Fail?

Q: What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address?
A: Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape
 

We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups
and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.
We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date
change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all
programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk,
August, September, October, November, December

and...:

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak
Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

This customer comes into the computer store. "I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging."
"Well," replied the clerk, "Have you tried Windows 98?"

First man: "You know, I hear Microsoft is going to start making Condoms."
Second man: "That gives a whole new meaning to the words, 'General Protection Fault.'"

Redmond, WA--Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

What do computers eat when they get hungry?
Chips.

What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus?
A virus does something.

Why is sex like software?
For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it for free.
 

struct Married_Indian_Software_Professional { double trouble; short changed; long sighs; float hopes; void independence; char philosophical; };

struct Indian_Engaged_software_professional { double time_at_work; // to get long vacation to India short attention_span; long phone_calls_to_India; float on_cloud_nine; void bank_balance; char edgy; };

struct Indian_Newly_Married_software_professional { double dinner_invitations; short time_at_work; long lunch_breaks; float wife_resumes; void bank_balance; char hen_pecked; };

struct Indian_husband_wife_software_professional { double income; short temper; long time_no_see; float new_software_company; void love_life; char money_minded; };